Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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