I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There's always time for handjobs
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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