everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
