When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
