grandma shit on top of the toilet
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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