The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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