but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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