I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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