Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
