If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
