We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
