New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
