bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
