there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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