so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
