I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
