i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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