They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
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he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
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those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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