This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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