Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
