is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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