Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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