I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
