Your tits are I can't wait for
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
