it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
