if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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