I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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