Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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