I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
