M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
