I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
