I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
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I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
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I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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