Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
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Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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