Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My ATM looks so different sober.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
