Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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