I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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