do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
