Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
