you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
