dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
