Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
