How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
