Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
