i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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