this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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