I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
