even my farts smell like vagina
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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