It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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