What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
