Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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