You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
