it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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