hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
