You surviving the open bar?
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He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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