Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
