i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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