Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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