Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
