It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
